Being Present for Others
We have spent the last few weeks looking at various ways and tools to help us build stronger relationships with the people in our lives. This week, I want to focus on a topic that doesn’t come natural to most - being present for others. When the crisis is ours, we have a picture of how we wish people would show up. There is an art to being present with people when they are hurting. I have many stories from my years in ministry that I think might be helpful and insightful.
I was at Mercy Hospital in Springdale. I had heard that a man I went to school with years ago was there. Several things happened as I tried to find him. I almost gave up. Finally I stood at the door. Before I could knock the door opened. My friend’s wife was face to face with me. She said, “Thank you for coming. We just disconnected life support. We are sitting with him in these final minutes.” I had the privilege of praying with the whole family. I thought about what was in her face as she opened the door. She had to get out of the room. Yet because I was present, I was calm, God was present. The Lord would go through this valley with them. I had the privilege to be there with the family until he was declared dead and the family was ready to leave. They talked about the memories they treasured like a stray dog called “Redo” and delivering Meals on Wheels. A sad time with many precious memories tempered by the presence of God made evident because a chaplain brought a calm presence.
Some years ago we lived in Ecuador. A friend from a small village tapped on the gate. It was late at night. For someone to come at that hour it had to be important. As my friend came in I could see he was very concerned. I asked what was happening.
“My nephew is in the emergency room at the hospital. He has a broken leg, and is in shock . . . but no doctor has seen him. He has been there for hours. What can we do?” said Lorenzo.
I quickly got dressed, putting on a coat and tie, because I knew the community. We went there together. As we came into the emergency waiting room, the medical staff spotted me because of my coat and tie. By the time we got to the injured man, they were almost to us. The doctor in charge asked me how he could help me. I greeted him, and said, “My friend is from the country. He thought he might not get treatment because he is not from the city. I assured him that in this country, everyone is treated fairly.”
The doctor answered, “Of course. We will treat him.” and began to order his team to help. The truth was, until the doctor saw someone dressed like an upper class person cared about this man, he was not concerned about treating the injured man. He did not know me, but because I showed up, he helped the injured man. My presence got the doctor’s attention so he did what he was there to do. When we are present for people, others who have not considered them important will take notice and do what they are supposed to do. Sometimes to be present in the right way may require physical preparation; to be present always requires spiritual preparation.
Present but not Available
It is possible for us to be present but not available. I could be using my phone, or watching a game; in the same room, but not present. I was to meet with a group of people at a restaurant. As the waitress was seating us, I introduced myself and asked her name. I quietly mentioned to Carol (not her name) that when the rest of our group arrived we would be praying to thank God for our food. “Carol, would you like for us to pray for you also?”
She sat down at the table and began to cry. She said, “No one has ever prayed for me. I am going through a very difficult time. Please pray for me.” We did not wait for everyone to arrive. We gathered around Carol to pray for the needs she shared. It is easy to ignore people who are there to serve us. God is in control of the whole universe. It is not an accident He placed you right where He had someone waiting for Him to show up. God made us His children to do good to others in His name (Ephesians 2:10). He[God] creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing (Ephesians 2:10). THE MESSAGE © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson.
How can we be a calm presence with others?
Teresa sat prayerfully by David’s hospital bed. Her two-year old son lay pale, very still. He had been in a coma for 11 days. She could not leave her precious baby. She asked the Lord to intervene—“Please, my Lord, heal my precious little boy.” (“Por favor, mi Señor, sana a mi hijito precioso.”) Teresa could not sleep. She was not hungry and did not eat. She knew she could not make David well, yet she could not leave him.
About 2:30 am in the morning of the eleventh day, Teresa jerked as a person does when they almost doze off, but catch themselves. In the low light of the hospital room she saw a man in a long tunic walking away from the bedside. In a pleading voice she cried out, “Don’t go, Lord.”
The man half-turned toward her. In a gentle voice he replied, “It’s okay, my daughter. I can go now.”
In that moment, David opened his eyes. He cried out, “Mamita.”
There are times when the best thing we can do is be present when a friend faces great difficulty. It is this certainty that God is present, a God who loves those we care about more than we do. It allows us to keep a calm presence when we are facing a crisis. When we are anchored to Him, the storms of life do not destroy us.
“Being present with someone is in and of itself a gift. A gift of time, of a listening ear, of being willing to be fully there for someone in a world of agendas and chaos. ”
As a chaplain, many experiences like this give me a firm expectation based on God’s character that He is with me. He is not surprised by what has happened. God will go through this difficult time with me. I will follow Him through the valley of death, which means He goes first (Psalms 23). He goes before me; He guards behind me (Psalms 139). As a follower of Jesus Christ, He lives in me. That’s why Paul wrote “. . . nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).
Too often, we need hope yet we do not realize that God is present and available to us. Jacob was the ancestor of the Israelites. He thought he was out of God’s reach. In an isolated place, all alone, he discovered that God was present. He said, "Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it." (Genesis 28:16 ESV)
One day when Jesus had gone to pray alone, a man came to the disciples with a sick child. They prayed and tried to heal him, but failed. Then Jesus showed up. He is met by the father who told Jesus that his son was sick (demon possessed) and the disciples could not set him free. Jesus immediately went to the child and healed him. When they were alone, the disciples asked why they were not able to help the child. Jesus answered, “This kind can only be healed through fasting and prayer.” Yet Jesus healed him immediately because he had already prepared himself spiritually. See the whole event in Matthew 17:14-20 in the Bible. We are to spend time with God so we are always ready when we become aware of a person in need.
That is why the disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray. They did not ask him to teach them how to pray, but “teach us to pray.” One of the many good books on prayer is The Battle Plan for Prayer by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. This book is related to a movie they made: War Room (www.WarRoomTheMovie.com).
“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”