Processing the Pandemic and Disenfranchised Grief
“We’ve lost dad.” Those were the words that I heard from my sister over the phone in February 1988. We had known that it was coming for years. His health had declined from very active farm life to “I can’t mow the lawn on my riding mower.” But somehow it seemed that he would continue to go to the Doctor, they would admit him to the ICU, get his medications regulated again and he would be good for another 6 months or a year. This time it was a fatal heart attack, and all the doctors in the hospital couldn’t make Dad live again.
The complication was that I was a missionary pilot for the Baptist Missionary Association of America and living in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, South America with my family. Everything was going so well in the work I didn’t want to be gone. We didn’t have the money to travel. Our daughter’s passport had been lost by the Bolivian immigration authorities a few weeks before that. Leaving the family behind while I traveled alone to a funeral 6,000 miles north was not an option. It seemed like we would have to move heaven and earth if I were to make it to Dad’s funeral.
The temperature had reached a high of 113 degrees that day in February just hours before I answered that phone call. The next evening, I boarded an airliner with my wife and daughter in tow. Yes, you actually can get a lost passport replaced in one day! It was sleeting when we arrived the next afternoon in Tulsa, Oklahoma. That was the warmest day that we had during the few weeks in Arkansas before heading back to Bolivia.
While grieving the death of my Dad was hard and painful, it would have been so much worse without the miraculous one-page-emergency-passport or the presence of my family or the many other things that had to happen in order for me to be there.
“I Feel Stuck”
This is a phrase our Chaplains have heard often in the past few months. Feelings of depressions, anxiety, frustration, joy, hope, anger…all within a matter of an hour. Sound famililar? Kinda feels like you’re going crazy? You are not alone.
“Pandemic Grief” would hint at grieving the losses of not being able to go to work, or to church, or to the grocery store, buy toilet paper, etc. There are losses of relationships, jobs, community, freedom, and many others that are grievable. It can be tempting to think that since everyone went through it, that we just all need to get over it. But the losses are real. Something may return, but some may never be the same. That is a loss - and we need to deal with it.
During the past year of pandemic many have lost loved ones without having the chance to say goodbye, and without the possibility of a funeral, or mourning with family and friends. Yes, we had some funerals in 2020 but some of them were limited in attendance. Some of those that we did attend were with the thoughts, “Am I going to catch COVID-19 here?” Doug Manning, author of several books and articles on grief and grieving, says that when people are grieving they just need us to “Hang Around, Hug ‘Em, and Hush.” A fist-bump is just not the same as a hug. COVID-19 said that “Hush” is all we can do. Those funerals and memorials that we didn’t attend in order to “slow the spread and flatten the curve” has left us feeling guilty.
Disenfranchised Grief has affected many of us in 2020. So, what exactly is disenfranchised grief? If I were to buy a franchise to my favorite restaurant it would give me the right to put their menu on the tables, their name on the sign out front, etc. If that right were to be revoked or removed, I would no longer have that right. To put it simply, disenfranchised grief means we have lost our “franchise to grieve.” I have seen that a few times when the divorced spouse is not welcome at the funeral. I have seen it a few times when a loved one dies in a foreign country or across the country and travel to the funeral is impossible. I have seen it after someone said, “You’re young and can have more children” to a mother who has just lost her child in a pregnancy loss. During the last year or so, some have felt that a pandemic has taken away the right to grieve. Our grief has been “disenfranchised” by a pandemic.
How Does It Affect the Grieving Process?
People coping with disenfranchised grief may experience more grief symptoms. They also may have intensified grief symptoms if they can’t openly express their grief. If they don’t feel support from their community, they may isolate themselves and not attend social events. While it’s typical for those who are grieving to refrain from social events for a while, it isn’t healthy to cut ourselves off so that we don’t feel supported by others.
What Are Some Healthy Ways to Grieve?
The best way to handle grief is to muddle through it. When we try to get over it, we find it’s still there. When we try to deny it and stuff it, we find it coming back to life in the most uncomfortable ways. With disenfranchised grief, it’s important you acknowledge your loss and know that this grief isn’t any less important than any other. You’re not alone in your grief, and there several healthy ways you can grieve your loss, such as:
Have your own Memorial. Churches might offer this on or near Memorial Day. You can memorialize your loved one in a park, at home, or at some special personal location.
Create your own grieving ritual like lighting a candle, or sharing a personalized memento, such as making your loved one’s favorite dish, making a memorial scrapbook, or making a personalized sand art.
Try a new hobby for expressing your grief, such as painting or writing in a grief journal.
Find a support system, whether it’s family, friends, a significant other, a grief support group, church, or a professional counselor.
Remember to be patient with your grief, and don’t forget to practice self-care as you grieve your loss.
Memorial Ideas
Making Memorial Sand Art is one memorial ritual that can be meaningful. At one large annual memorial for many people attendees were given small pieces of paper to write the names of their loved one, or a short message. Those were folded and placed inside a bottle while the song, “If I Could Put Time In A Bottle” was playing. That bottle was placed inside a large clear glass container and more upbeat music played while we took turns pouring colored sand into the large one, totally covering the “messages in a bottle” and creating a beautiful Memorial Sand Art. Hobby Lobby has all the items needed for this memorial idea. Another variation of that was when we buried the cremains in a whisky bottle (yes, there was a lot of personal significance to that), then made a smaller Memorial Sand Art for the family to keep.
One family sows Forget-Me-Not flower seeds in the “un-mown” corners of a couple of cemeteries each year in memory of a loved one.
Another buys wild-flower seeds to sow alongside a road that has special significance.
Balloon releases, planting a tree, giving a donation, writing a poem, naming a star… there are a hundred or more ideas waiting as far away as your next google search.
How Can You Show Your Support?
It’s important to show your loved ones support when they’re grieving a loss and possibly coping with disenfranchised grief.
Below are a few simple, yet meaningful ways to show you care and recognize their loss:
Be there for them and listen to them if they want to talk about their loved one or their grief.
Continue to invite them to social gatherings with the understanding that they might not be ready.
Help them organize a remembrance event like a dinner or help them make a meaningful memento to remember their loved one by.
Acknowledge your Loss
Regardless of how long it has been, whether you were able to attend a memorial service, or a number of other details, acknowledge your loss. Grief seems to go easier if we don’t fight it, and if we don’t try to “should” ourselves out of grieving. It takes what it takes and as you prepare for this Memorial Day, my prayer for you is that you are able to find some degree of healing and return to wholeness. I have several packets of forget-me-not flower seed that I will be glad to share with you, just ask.
Maybe you aren’t grieving a loss of a loved one, but some of the losses experienced in this past year during the pandemic. Take the time to process with a close friend or a Chaplain. If you are feeling “stuck” or “in a rut”, know that you are not alone. There are many people that are reaching out to our team that just need a safe, non-judgemental place to talk through and find meaning in everything we went through this past year. This is a crucial step to be able to move forward. If that’s you, take the time to reach out to someone this week.
My Prayer for You Today
“Father, I pray for those who are grieving a loss today. I thought that the past year would surely be over by now, but sometimes it seems like it is not. Please help us to stand by and stand with those who are hurting. Please help us who are hurting to know that You are still here with us. Amen.”
Larry Hendren, CCISM | larry.hendren@simfoods.com