The Good Fight: Conflict Resolution
The year was 1982 and I was the new missionary pilot in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, South America. By new I mean just arrived that day. Our airplane, a Cessna 206, was sitting outside in the wind, sun and rain. It was sitting outside our hangar!
Our hangar, built and owned by our missionary organization, was filled with ultralight aviation toys (aka: tiny planes)! I didn’t like it. It wasn’t right and should have never happened. That is how my missionary career started with CONFLICT.
Here’s a couple of my thoughts on conflict before I fly further into this story:
Conflict is normal and natural and takes us to a deeper relationship. But…I don’t like it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If I get my way as a result of our conflict, are you still going to like me (love me, help me, promote me, live with me, work with me)? If you get your way am I going to be miserable for the rest of our vacation (or day, or night, or week, or life)?
Christians often think conflict is bad, dangerous, unspiritual, sinful and to be avoided at all costs, but most of us realize that conflict is just as inevitable as it is uncomfortable.
Jesus had conflicts: with Pharisees and Sadducees (to the point where they stirred up the crowd saying, “Crucify Him”); with His mother (at 12 years of age in the temple and again at His first miracle); with His apostles (“Get behind me Satan!”); and even with God the Father (“If it be possible let this cup pass from me, nevertheless not my will but thine be done”).
Conflict disrupts the “map” of our life. We intuitively know how life is supposed to go, from birth to death. It seems like some of these things are written somewhere in the universe, and conflict disrupts that “universal plan.”
Conflict is like fire, it both consumes and sheds light. We need both as long as they are under control. Conflict seems like the “controlled burn” that has gotten out of control.
We have to decide, “Am I going to make this situation better or worse?” We can’t avoid it forever (though some of us might try). We can’t always get our way (though some of us might try). We shouldn’t always give in (though some of us might try).
We need to learn to respond instead of react. A response is always preferred to a reaction, and we can’t always control what others do (though some of us might try).
So, back to the hangar. We were renting half of our hangar to another mission group that we shared the airstrip with. They (actually their pilot named Joe) had given permission for the ultralights to be there because of the high winds (up to 50 miles per hour) that came periodically. I almost blew my top when Joe said, “Just be patient, Raul and Hermes (the owners of the ultralight toys) will turn out to be great friends to have in the future.” That didn’t help my frustration hardly at all.
Dr. Henry Cloud suggests some of the reasons that we typically find ourselves in conflict with those we love or those that we live with or work with.
The simplest is when One Party Is Wrong. When this happens, assuming that I am not the one who is wrong, I first need to clean up my own; anger, condemnation, judgement, contempt, etc. (get the beam out of my own eye). Maybe I should bleed that off to a friend or counselor first. Then, as the offended one I should respond and try to resolve the conflict. If I am the one who was wrong I need to “man-up,” admit my wrong, and begin damage repair.
The second is due to the Immaturity or Brokenness of One Party. The scriptural principle is that the person with the most health and maturity at that moment has the responsibility to seek resolution. When someone is hurting or broken or depressed help them. In Philippians 2 Jesus is presented as being equal with God yet humbling himself, though he was fully God, and coming down to our level to help us. The person with whom we are seeking to resolve a conflict needs help, not judgement.
Third is when Feelings are Hurt but no one has really done anything wrong. In that case I can and should be responsible for hurting their feelings, though it was unintentional. It goes the other way as well, if they have hurt my feelings I can be mature enough to go to them and gently make them aware of the offense. There is no villain in this case, so don’t villainize anyone.
Conflicting Desires is number four. If you agreed on everything one of you might be unnecessary. The problem is that you don’t always realize that you have conflicting desires and one person cannot always win. Keep the main thing the main thing and don’t get stuck on the “win” but compromise when necessary.
Concentrate on the Needs versus the Desires in your relationship. I might desire a new deer rifle, but we might need a new hot water heater, guess who wins in that case… we both do if the new hot water heater can be installed soon!
[For more on this, check out Dr. Henry Cloud’s video called “Conflict” on Rightnow Media@Work.]
Back to the airplanes… the wisdom of others prevailed and I was patient, and a few weeks later Raul and Hermes moved their toys to another location. In the following years both Raul and Hermes became my friends, and our airplane survived. The situation of conflicting desires was resolved.
Fast forward to the year 1988 and another conflict. Cocaine traffic was big in Bolivia. During those years Bolivia ranked either 2nd or 3rd largest cocaine producer in the world. The “Narco-Trafficantes” resolution tool of choice was the Uzi sub-machine gun. That is why the decision was made by the DGAC (Director General of Civil Aviation) to shut down all civil aviation in the country until each aircraft owner, each pilot, and each aviation mechanic could prove that they had nothing to do with cocaine traffic.
We were all presumed guilty until we could prove ourselves innocent. How do you prove that a thousand churches got together and paid for an airplane? Or that God himself made a way for you to get a pilot license, and student loans paid for a mechanic license? Plus, we had to prove that we had paid a vehicle property tax that had never before been charged on airplanes. The tax issue took a full week.
It was a Monday morning when I started at Table #1, proving that my pilot license was not paid for by the “Narco-Trafficantes.” Each of the 5 “Tables” had a representative from Civil Aeronautics, a lawyer, and a young man in military uniform with an AK-47. The plan was, if anyone wanted to argue, the guy with the AK-47 would take him outside and oblige. The representative from Civil Aeronautics vouched for me and I slid right past Table #1. That was my first surprise as he and I had had a “conflict” to resolve just a few weeks before.
At Table #2 where I was to prove that my mechanic’s license was not paid for by the narco-trafficantes, the lawyer was none other than my friend Raul, owner of ultralight toys just a few years earlier. Raul said, “Larry, you’re not supposed to even be here! This is not for missionaries!” I responded by asking him to tell that to the people where we filed flight plans so they would let me fly.
“Come with me,” Raul said. Another missionary pilot, Ron, was standing beside me. Ron and I followed Raul past the next 3 Tables (complete with the AK-47 people) to the office of the Director General of Civil Aeronautics where Raul opened the door (without knocking) and told us to come right in. The Director was in military uniform. The sign on his desk said “Teniente Velasco.” Teniente means Lieutenant. The Teniente was talking to a pilot standing in front of his desk so Raul had us sit down on his couch. Ron whispered, “We might be in trouble now.”
We have arrived at another Teachable Moment…
Although conflict is normal, there are some caution flags that we should watch for when conflict comes. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott suggest four.
Criticism is not okay during a conflict, but it’s okay to complain. Complaints help us resolve conflicts, criticism “blows up” the conflict. (“You always make us late!”)
Defensiveness always escalates conflict. (“I have no idea where your keys are, I haven’t touched your keys.”)
Contempt is toxic and lethal to a relationship and leads to character assassination both verbal and non-verbal. (Did I just “eye-roll” out loud?)
Stonewalling is when we emotionally withdraw and leave the scene. (Long sigh… whatever!)
So, how can we soften the blows during a conflict? Dr.’s Les and Leslie Parrott have an excellent presentation called “The Good Fight” on RightNowMedia@work.
Meanwhile, back in Civil Aeronautics, Raul introduced Ron and I to the Director. That was when I realized that Raul and the “Teniente” shared last names. I learned later that they were first cousins. Raul “complained” that the missionaries should not be included in this country-wide shut-down and that Teniente Velasco should give us permission to operate our aircraft. The Teniente asked, “Raul, can I do that?” Raul said, “You’re the director, if anyone can you can.” The Teniente said, “You’re my lawyer, if you write it up I will sign it.” “Good,” said Raul, “we’ll include every missionary airplane in Bolivia in the same order.”
Ron and I left there pinching ourselves to see if this were real. By that afternoon every missionary airplane in the country of Bolivia, all 8 of us, had permission to fly where and whenever we needed.
The conflict was resolved.
5 Stages of Conflict
How do we manage to resolve conflicts when they happen? Let’s count it down…If Conflict has reached:
5. Revenge Stage – someone is going pay. In marital conflicts a divorce is in the works and the judge decides who gets what. Resolution is pretty much impossible at this stage; damage control will be our goal.
4. Removal Stage – means that we are going to get rid of “those people.” In marital conflicts divorce is almost inevitable if it has reached this stage. Miracles can still happen, but not every day.
3. Rights Stage – means the “I’m right” people take sides and the focus shifts to winning. Only around 5% of the time a resolution is feasible if the conflict has reached this stage.
2. Repositioning Stage – Everyone involved is asking who caused the problem and the focus shifts from the problem to the people. It is no longer about problem solving but self-defense. Around 10 % of conflicts can be resolved when a conflict has reached this stage.
1. Remedy Stage – When the conflict can be identified at this stage everyone in the room recognizes that there is a problem and are resolved to find the problem, fix it, and move on. Around 85% of the time conflicts at this stage will be resolved and all involved will be better and stronger for it.
If we are at the Remedy Stage, we are likely to have good results with Conflict Resolution. If we are already at the Revenge or Removal Stage, the best (probably only) solution is to first move to a better stage in the conflict. It is always preferred that we identify that there is a conflict while at the Remedy Stage, find the remedy and resolve any conflicts there.
I have described two separate but related personal conflicts. In the first, the hangar issue, I immediately jumped to the Removal Stage, then settled into the Rights Stage. In a day or two I was at the Repositioning Stage, but eventually reached the Remedy Stage and the conflict was resolved in a good way. Raul and Hermes became friends.
In the Civil Aeronautics conflict, I was involved when some Drug Enforcement authorities were at the Revenge Stage. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not in favor of cocaine traffic. It has brought much harm and no good benefits, and I support law enforcement. I am just saying that it was already at Stage 5, the Revenge Stage when I was affected. Stage 4, the Removal Stage is where my life as Missionary Pilot became affected. I took the Stage 3, Rights Stage, with the tax issue and was in the 5 % where a resolution was possible. I watched with interest in the office of the Director General of Civil Aeronautics as it went from Stage 3 to Stage 1 and a resolution was found without the AK-47 guys getting involved.
When (not if) you are involved in a situation where conflict resolution is needed, whichever part you play in it, the first step is to determine where the conflict is (in which stage). Then try to move from there to the Remedy Stage. That is the place you are most likely to find resolution. Sometimes finding a mediator helps, someone who “has no horse in this race” and can get the two sides to communicate, move the process along to the Remedy Stage and help find a resolution. Your Chaplain teams are ready and willing to help, and none of us own an AK-47.
Chaplain Larry Hendren
larry.hendren@simfoods.com