Acceptance and Respect
Acceptance is defined like this: “The ability to see that others have a right to be their own unique persons. Which means having a right to their own feelings, thoughts and opinions.”
The acceptance of others, the feeling of being accepted, and the need for approval are all represented in different kinds of occupations. In the workplace, at school, and even in religious circles.
Having been a pastor of local churches for many years, I know firsthand that pastors of churches and their families can relate to being unaccepted as much or more than any group of people I know. For several years the average stay for a pastor at a church was two and a half to three years. For this reason, the members of a congregation and even the community kept them and their families at arm’s length. People were afraid to get close to the pastor and family because when the pastor would change churches, leaving became painful. It was especially hard on the children for they had to leave behind the few friends they had made, not knowing how well accepted they would be where they were going.
I was at one time the Director of Missions for an association of churches in a county where practically everyone knew each other. It seemed like everyone was related in some way. If there were families who were not related, a soon to be wedding would make them cousins. Many of the pastors of the local churches were men who had grown up in the county. So, when a new preacher or pastor moved into the community, he wasn’t immediately accepted by a large number of pastors. I was one of those outsiders. After I had been there for a few years one of the longtime pastors of the county died of a heart attack. The family asked if I would have a part in the funeral service. One of the things I was proudly able to share at the service, which reflected his Christian character, was brother Desmond never treated me as an outsider. He accepted me into the community, and the Christian fellowship for the person I am and not who he expected me to be. This also enabled me to have great respect for him.
Everyone wants to be and feel accepted by others whether it be at school, work, or even with a new group of friends. “The ability to accept other people for who they are, rather than who you want them to be, is important for everything from healthy relationships, to maintaining professionalism in the workplace, to positively influencing the people around you.” (Jack Nollan, How to Accept Others) The world in which we live, the community of which we are a part, and the work place where we work, can be very complicated trying to accept and being accepted by others. As diverse individuals, the differences we share with one another can separate us, but they can also help bring us together. When people look and act differently than we do, then we have to work a little harder at accepting them for the person they are.
The apostle Paul gives us a good starting place. “…In humility consider others better (more important) than yourself. Everyone should look out not only for his own interest, but also for the interest of others.” Philippians 2:3-4
The very nature of individuals is to be self-centered. Example: I want what I want when I want it and it doesn’t matter who I have to go through, over, or hurt to get it. That is the first hurdle to jump before we can begin to think of others as being more important than ourselves. Remember, you can have self-esteem without being self-centered. However, while individuality is valued, we are still social beings who like to feel accepted and included. When someone new comes into your group at work as a new team member, you may see them as a positive addition to the group or as a threat. If you haven’t made it over the first hurdle, you probable see them as a threat. So, the first place to start is with you. Place yourself in their position and ask yourself, “How would I want to be treated as a new team member? I would want to be accepted for the person I am.”
Gary Chapman and Paul White, the authors of the 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, has suggested three ways you can help a new member feel accepted in your group.
Quality Time
We hear a lot said about spending quality time with our families. Quality time is considered extra time with them to get to know and understand them better and to love them more. This is especially important for new couples and/or couples who still have children at home. Think of the time you spend with co-workers as quality time. This means making effort to get to know them better, expressing appreciation for them. After all you probably spend as much time with co-workers as with family.
Acts of Service
Jesus said, “And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.” (Matthew 5:41) Jesus taught how to love and live at peace with others. Doing extra things for people at work that are not required goes a long way in building relationships. A new team member may be having difficulty learning one aspect of their new job. When you take some extra time to help them to learn a new skill because you are interested in their success, they respect you even more as a team member.
Words of Affirmation
Chapman and White’s research shows that the number one way that people feel appreciated and accepted in the workplace is through words of affirmation. It is always helpful to give words of encouragement. It helps the whole morale of the team when the leader of the team says, “Great job!” When I was a boy my art talent started out by drawing cartoon pictures out of the Sunday funny paper. I would take them and show them to my mother and she would always tell me what a good job it was. I never heard her say, “Well, can’t you do better than that?” Words of affirmation from the team leader or any other team member are always encouraging.
The poet, Maya Angelo once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” If you really want to make a difference in the lives of those around you, consider ways that you can help them feel accepted and part of the team. It requires no titles or authority to make someone feel accepted, and it costs us nothing to accept them as they are. Start today by spending some time getting to know a coworker a little better, helping someone with an immediate need or saying something that encourages someone.