Relationships 101: Connecting with People 1-1
Growing up I was a pretty timid kid...check that...I was a walking ball of anxiety! I may or may not have been the kid hiding in the bathroom on more than one occasion during youth group to keep from having to be involved in a skit in front of everyone. If that 14-year-old kid only knew what I was going to get us into later in life…
I can laugh about it now, but it wasn’t funny then. It affected my relationships and friendships more than I want to admit. Honestly, it was pride disguised as false humility and a deep insecurity.
I was 17 when I came to John Brown University as a Computer Science major. I had two super-righteous (not really) goals in mind: 1) Make a lot of money, and 2) Find a job where I don’t have to interact with people.
I’m not making that up.
God sure has a funny way of working, doesn’t He? God flipped those two priorities upside down! How I became a Chicken Chaplain is truly an act of God. He broke my heart for people and I began a journey of learning how to better love and connect with people. And He still is!
Coming out of the craziness that has been the last five years, Relationships are the #1 topic that people are reaching out to our Chaplains for support with. Often this is a marital, parenting, aging parents, dating issue; but we are seeing an increase in issues of conflict resolution and loneliness.
The pandemic impacted many things. One of the ripple effects has been that we seem to have forgotten how to connect with others. We forgot what genuine, authentic friendship looks like. Most of us need a friend. And we’ve forgotten how to be one.
One book that changed my life and took my communication skills and my relationships to the next level was John Maxwell’s book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. Over the next few blogs, we’ll take lessons learned from Maxwell’s book and focus on three different ways we connect with people: 1) Connecting with People 1-1, 2) Connecting in a Group, 3) Connecting through Your Work.
CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE 1-1
REFLECTION: When it comes to connecting with people one-on-one, on a scale of 0 (I am terrible at it) to 10 (My relationships are healthy), how would you rate yourself?
If you’re struggling with how to answer this - go ask the three people that you spend time with the most...they’ll give you an answer!
“Connecting is never about me. It’s about the person with whom I’m communicating. If you want to connect with others, you have to get over yourself. You have to change the focus from inward to outward, off yourself and onto others. All it takes are the will to change your focus, the determination to follow through, and the acquisition of a handful of skills.”
Maxwell believes that connecting with people one-on-one is more important than being able to connect with people in an audience or group. This really goes against the grain of common thinking. When you truly think about it though, 80-90 percent of connecting occurs on the one-to-one basis, and usually with the people that are closest and most important to you.
To connect well one-on-one:
Have a genuine concern/respect for the person.
Place a high value on that person.
Put his or her interests ahead of your own.
Listen with empathy
Express gratitude to and for that person.
Connecting is All About Others
Tips to increase your influence one-on-one:
Talk more about the other person and less about yourself.
Prepare two or three questions you can ask someone before a meeting or social gathering.
At the close of the conversation, ask if there is anything you can do to help them and then follow through.
Acts of servanthood have a resounding impact that live longer than words.
Beyond Words
People often overlook the importance of the nonverbal aspects of communication when trying to connect with another person. They don’t go the extra mile to connect beyond words.
UCLA psychology professor emeritus, Albert Mehrabian discovered that face-to-face communication can be broken down into three components: words, tone of voice, and body language. In situations where feelings and attitudes are being communicated:
What we say accounts for only 7% of what is believed.
The way we say it accounts for 38%.
What others see accounts for 55%.
More than 90% of the impression we often convey has nothing to do with what we actually say!
So if you believe communication is all about words, you’re totally missing the boat, and may have a hard time connecting with others!
You can improve in this area if you:
Connect visually by giving the other person your complete attention. The eyes are the window of the soul; see the other person’s heart and show your heart.
Connect intellectually by asking thoughtful questions, listening carefully, and also paying attention to what is not being said.
Connect emotionally through touch (being careful to honor boundaries and remain appropriate with members of the opposite sex).
“If your face is going to “talk” for you anyways, you might as well have it communicate something positive.”
Connecting Always Requires Energy
There’s been quite a few conversations I’ve had recently where someone mentioned how lonely they have felt the last few years. I think in one way or another we have forgotten how to be a friend.
One person mentioned that they were struggling to connect after a few years of relying on social media as a way of “relationships”. I asked him, “What makes a good friend?” He said, “Someone you can trust. A person who doesn’t always have to be serious, but can be when needed. A friend is someone you can call on your best day and on your worst day.” I told him I thought that was a pretty good list.
I challenged him with this thought: “Are you that kind of friend to others?” It got quiet. He said honestly, “No, I’m not. But imagine what my relationships would look like if I was that kind of friend instead of waiting on everyone else to be that friend FOR me.”
REFLECTION: What makes a good friend for you? Grab a piece of paper quick and jot down some thoughts. What is your picture of an ideal friend? What if you turned that around and became that kind of friend for others?
We often wait around for others to move first, and we end up waiting around in a mix of loneliness and frustration. Think about the people who are in your life today. Come up with 1-3 people that you are, maybe just acquantences with, but you’d like to get to know better. And make the call. If your schedule allows, see when the next time is that they could grab breakfast or lunch. Relationships require energy. And they are worth it. Be proactive and go first.
Connectors Connect on Common Ground
In relationships, you’re never going to find someone that you see 100% eye-to-eye with. Honestly, how boring would that be! That being said, one great way to connect with someone is to find common ground.
Building a bridge on common ground is easier one-on-one than with many people because you can get immediate and continuous feedback from the other person. To find common ground, ask questions with an eye for common interests and experiences. When you find common ground, tell stories, share emotions, and offer lessons learned from those experiences.
This repore allows you to also explore areas that you disagree on, which can make fascinating conversations. Seek to understand why they believe what they believe. Ask great questions and take a genuine interest. There’s a high likelihood that by treating them with respect, even while you may disagree, they very well make take interest in how you see it differently.
Turns out you can be have friends who you disagree with on some things, and still be friends. What a crazy concept! I’ve got friends that vote wrong, go to a different church (or no church at all), and even root for the Chicago Cubs...and I still love them dearly.
Connectors Inspire People
What qualities help people to connect with you?
A heart to serve - People need to know that you are for them.
A person of good values - Show your values by words and actions.
A helping hand - Add value to others and always try to lift them up.
A caring spirit - People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
A believing attitude - People migrate to those who believe in them.
In my role as a Chaplain at Simmons, I want everything I do and say to be a reflection of how I am living my own life. I want my best teaching tool to be my attitudes and actions, not my ability to write a good blog or teach a leadership workshop. I don’t always do this perfectly, but I want to authentically live a life that honors God and loves people well. So here are two things I have been working on since reading this book:
First, I have implemented the 10 Foot Rule. If I am walking through an office, plant, or even through Walmart, if another person comes within 10 feet, I acknowledge their presence with a smile and oftentimes a simple "hello". It doesn't seem like much, but it has certainly helped me to be more aware of the people around me. Honestly, oftentimes I would walk past people and not acknowledge them. I have seen people's countenance completely change, even in people I don't have a clue who they are, by simply smiling as I walk past and greeting them. It adds value and it communicates so much. It has opened the door to some meaningful conversations with people that I would have just walked by, simply by acknowledging that they were in the room. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be a deep conversation to be meaningful. You never know what someone is going through. A simple smile and “hello” can change someone’s day. Try it out!
The second thing I have been working on is preparing questions before I meet with anyone. I believe that good leaders ask great questions, and my meetings and interactions have been more effective the last few years since as I have done a little more prep work any time I know I am going to visit with someone, whether in a meeting, over coffee, or during counseling. Try it. It makes a huge difference and shows intentionality and genuine concern for the other person.
This blog is jam-packed with practical principles that will help you to better connect with people one-on-one. I know they have helped me immensely! I would hate for you to read this and then just move on today. Go back through and write down 2-3 ideas that jump off the page to you. In your communication today and the rest of this week, be intentional about implementing these as you seek to improve your ability to genuinely connect with people at work and at home.
“No matter who you are or with whom you are trying to communicate, you can improve your ability by smiling at people and being expressive. Even if you work in a tough environment or a staid corporate culture, you don’t have to maintain a grim visage all the time. I figured this out early in life. When I was in the third grade, I remember looking at myself in the mirror one morning and thinking, I am not a handsome guy. What am I going to do with a face like this? Then I smiled. And I thought, That helps. ”