Suicide Prevention: Some Things to Think About
September is Suicide Awareness Month and we want to bring some focus to a few things that might be helpful to you now or in the future.
In my earlier career as a missionary pilot I subscribed to a newsletter that had articles about aviation accidents. They wrote about accidents that were caused by weather, accidents that were caused by mechanical failures, accidents that were caused by pilot error, and every conceivable way that you can wreck an airplane! And, it was complete with pictures. There were two of us, that is there were two pilots, myself and a pilot named John. I shared those newsletters with John but soon learned that I had to be sensitive to not leave them where John’s wife would see them. When she saw them, I got a lecture about reading only positive news about flying and maintaining aircraft (I was the aviation mechanic as well). I tried to explain that I wanted to learn what others have done wrong in order to avoid making the same mistakes. She still didn’t like it.
Just as she didn’t like the word “crash,” many don’t like the word “suicide.”
I am a preacher and a chaplain. I deal with suicide in two different areas… in suicide prevention/intervention as chaplain, and at the funeral as a preacher. Suicide prevention and intervention is much easier than suicide postvention (funerals and support following suicide). For that reason, I choose to talk about suicide prevention/intervention. I get it when people are uncomfortable at the mere mention of the word suicide. However, you and I will both be more uncomfortable talking about suicide in the ICU waiting room as we wait to hear from the medical staff whether your loved one will survive a suicide attempt. You and I both will be more uncomfortable talking about it in a funeral home or cemetery.
I remember very well the first time I spoke with someone who was thinking about taking their life. I didn’t do that very well. I did have enough presence of mind (at 2 in the morning) to give them the phone number of a pastor who had experience in that subject. I have since had training in this subject and though I am no “expert,” I am comfortable talking about suicide, especially suicide prevention.
Many of us know someone who died by suicide and might know someone who will die by suicide. Suicide has for the last several years been the 10th leading cause of death in the USA, homicide is 16th. Let me put that another way: statistically we are more likely to kill ourselves that we are to be killed.
Logistically, someone, somewhere in the USA will die by suicide every 11.1 minutes. That is according to the numbers published by the Centers for Disease Control for 2019 (the latest year that we have complete numbers on record). Men are 3 times as likely to die by suicide as women, but women are 3 times as likely to attempt suicide. It is estimated that there are 25 attempted suicides for every completed suicide. Every 26.6 seconds someone attempts suicide in the USA (that number is based on a survey of hospital emergency rooms).
What do I do if…?
So, if my friend or family member seems down and maybe just not quite themselves… could they be thinking of taking their own life? I don’t know, ask them. Just say something like, “Are you thinking of suicide?” You might be thinking, “I don’t want to bring it up and give them the idea.” Suicidologists (yes, that is a real occupation) say that it is just the opposite. If they are thinking of suicide, it is better to just ask and get it out in the open.
What if they say, “No”? They have answered your question, so leave it there, unless you feel comfortable enough to say, “If that changes would you give me a call?”
But what if they say, “Yes?” Then ask something like, “How do you think you would do it?” If they share with you that they have the thoughts, and they have a plan (supposing that is a feasible plan), then contradict.
Contradict with something like, “But I don’t want you to kill yourself.” Or maybe, “That’s not a good idea, let’s do something to change that.”
Then follow that with, “I want to get you some help, okay?”
As a side note, when someone is at this point, whether they are okay with me trying to get them some help or not… I’m going to try to get them some help.
Here are a few helpful options:
Call 911. I’ve done that before, and someone is alive because I did.
Take them to the nearest Emergency Room and go prepared to wait with them and tell the Doctor what your friend told you. I have done that too, and they are alive.
The new National Suicide Hotline is 988. Or you can call the old one 800-273-8255, or the Spanish line 888-628-9454. I have seen these help.
Get them an appointment with their doctor. Yep, been there, done that.
If they are a veteran, contact the VA Health Center near them. Yes, I’ve made that call too.
Send them with a family member to the nearest Behavioral & Mental Health Hospital. You guessed it, I have done so more than once.
Some have a pastor, priest or rabbi that has training in suicide interventions.
Bring them to my office (or connect them to your Chaplain), if we work in the same building.
But… what if it’s too late? I didn’t see this coming… and now it’s too late. They died by suicide. Now what do I do? Reach out to the family. Make an effort to attend the funeral. Remember, the only person who can stop a suicide is the person who dies by suicide. It can’t be all your fault. You may feel guilt or regret, and you’ll need to process through those thoughts and emotions. You must grieve this loss, there is no way to “get over it” you just have to kind of muddle through it.
Writer Doug Manning compares grieving to peeling an onion – it comes off one layer at a time and you cry a lot. Grief following suicide feels like someone put an explosive inside the onion and blew it all to pieces… we want to find all the pieces and put it back together before we can actually grieve the loss.
If you are not the immediate family member, contact the family, ask how you can help and try to get an idea of what all they are sharing about your friend, coworker, or acquaintance. Follow their lead with what information that you share, and walk alongside them as they grieve in their own way.
This is true for any loss, but mark on your calendar 30 days after the funeral as a reminder to reach out. Most have alot of support for those days and weeks following a loss, but then everyone else’s life goes back to normal - except the one who has lost the loved one. Reach out and ask what would be most helpful. One way to ask is, “I don’t know what would be helpful right now - so let me just ask you - what would a really good friend do to support you during this time?” Listen well and be that friend.
If you are in a place of influence where you work, (like the boss, manager, owner, pastor, etc.) download this “Managers Guidebook to Suicide Postvention.” There are some very good ideas for your workplace… why not do that now and have it ready just in case? I especially like the flow chart on page 17 (the whole thing is only 20 pages long). We have several pocket cards with the number for the Suicide Prevention Lifeline that we can send to you, just let us know.
When I was a missionary pilot I loaded the airplane for each flight with the thought in mind, “If I crash today where will this cargo wind up, who will know and come looking for me, is my survival kit up to date and onboard?” and similar questions. I never crashed but don’t regret one little bit letting those thoughts guide me. I hope that you never need any of the information that I have included here, but I pray that if you need any of it that it will be of some help.