Loss and Meaning in COVID-19
I hit a wall last Monday. I was going pretty strong for the first few weeks, and I don’t know what happened, but I woke up Monday morning and something had changed. I was anxious and irritable. I snapped back at someone that I care about where I am typically calm and respectful. I went from being hopeful and optimistic, to being down and depressed. I remember saying out loud to myself, “What is wrong with me today?”
Honestly, it felt a lot like grief.
But no one close to me has died, I thought. How can it be grief?
I’ve been a Chaplain long enough to be very familiar with the grief process. I can easily recognize it in others, but it takes me awhile sometimes to see it in the mirror. When I finally got calmed down, I started to process what was behind all of this for me. Grief can sometimes be so chaotic emotionally that it makes you think you’ve gone a bit crazy. This took me down a path of understanding and allowed me to uncover some things I already knew about grief and loss, and yet still opened up more understanding to what I was going through and what I have seen in others over the past few weeks of COVID-19. Maybe you can relate?
Loss.
This pandemic has certainly been challenging and there is not a single person that hasn’t been directly affected by it in one way or another. There are people who have lost loved ones during these last few weeks. Some due to COVID-19, and others have passed away with non-COVID-related illnesses as well.
As I talk about grief and loss, if you are someone who has lost a loved one, what I am about to say does not minimize or put all losses on the same level of hurt or depth. But we have all encountered losses in the last few weeks, and losses lead to grief. Understanding grief might be helpful to explain certain behaviors in yourself and in others that might lead to understanding and even to have a little bit of extra grace towards yourself and others in the weeks to come.
I listened to a few interviews with David Kessler this week. David is an expert on the topic of grief. He has written many books on grief, including On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss. During one of his interviews for the Harvard Business Review, he said, “We’re feeling a number of different griefs. We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”
Think about some of the losses that you have experienced in the last five weeks:
Some of you lost a loved one or friend and were not able to go to the funeral
Loss of a job or layoff of a spouse or family member
School has been moved into the home and completely changed the dynamic of your day and home life (and possibly your sanity…)
Seniors in high school or college missed out on alot of things (prom, sports, graduation ceremony, etc)
Some of you cannot visit your parents, grandparents, kids or grandkids
Business have been forced to completely pivot and change strategy
Face-to-face interaction and relationships
Financial losses due to the market or investments
Some have had grandchildren and have only been able to see them through a screen instead of hold them.
Loss of work/life balance because now it’s all happening at home for some.
Some had weddings planned that now have to be rescheduled.
Loss of what we knew as “Normal”
What losses have you experienced in the last few months?
Naming your losses and also recognizing that what you’re feeling is grief gives you the ability to begin working through the grief process. I’ve walked with so many people through grief in the last ten years as a Simmons Chaplain. Here’s what I can tell you about it - no two people grieve the exact same way.
You’ve probably heard about “The Five Stages of Grief” by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She was adamant in the years after writing it that they were never meant to be seen as linear or that the grief stages always went in order. Her point, and my experience has proven this to be true, is that there are stages of grief and how you navigate them will be as different as your fingerprints.
When it comes to the grief process and COVID-19, David Kessler said, “There’s Denial, which we said a lot of early on: This virus won’t affect us. There’s Anger: You’re making me stay home and taking away my activities. There’s Bargaining: Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right? There’s Sadness: I don’t know when this will end. And finally there’s Acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed. Acceptance, as you might imagine, is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually.” (HBR interview)
It was while listening to his interview with Brene Brown on her podcast that he said something that began to make sense of everything. He talked about finding Meaning in our grief as being a sixth stage of the grief process. He was very clear that finding meaning doesn’t lessen the pain or take it away, but rather, meaning gives purpose for why I am going to endure it. It gives hope that, for today, the hurt is real and it may last for awhile. But it is a hope that there will be a “tomorrow” someday where I will find healing and be able to make it through this. The healing will be slow, and probably hard-earned, but I know I can get through this.
Honestly, for me, writing this blog is helping give meaning to me. I’ve been pretty open and vulnerable about my personal experience through this, but I know that someone reading this will be be encouraged by reading it. To know that this might encourage you to experience healing and even growth honestly helps me to do the same as I am on a journey right here beside you.
These last few weeks have been interesting to watch our leaders and team members at Simmons respond as we looked for ways to find meaning in the midst of this pandemic. I have seen more grace and acts of kindness towards each other than I’ve ever seen before. I’ve heard countless stories of team members going out of their way to help each other out. Crises like this will bring out the true character of a person, and even a culture, and I am so proud of what I have seen these last few weeks. Honestly, it affirmed what I already believed to be true about the people of Simmons.
As a company, we have found ways to be extraordinarily generous to our team members and towards our communities. Simmons has provided over 40,000 meals for our team members, distributed over 180,000 lbs of chicken so our team members could feed their families, and provided an Appreciation Bonus. Simmons has donated around 110,000 lbs of pet food and treats to local animal shelters to help pet owners care for their pets during a time when some people are struggling to feed the pets we love. We have provided tens of thousands of pounds of chicken to food pantries, local programs and ministries that are feeding children and the elderly members of our communities.
For us, knowing that we have provided literally hundreds of thousands of meals to people during this challenging time because Simmons makes Food for People and Pets We Love, gives an incredible amount of meaning as we go through COVID-19. It has motivated me to get up every morning and give my absolute best to my work because I believe that what we are doing really matters, both for people who are able to buy our products, and for those that cannot during this difficult economic season.
Meaning.
I can’t say this enough - finding meaning in a loss does not lessen the hurt or lighten the load you have to carry. It just gives you a “Why” that allows you to lean into the pain, to feel what you have to feel, because you know it is not in vain. No one can take your grief away, but finding meaning in a loss helps during the journey.
What we knew as “normal” is behind us and we will redefine what normal looks like for the next chapter of our lives. Some of you have taken this opportunity to make some changes in your life and daily habits that are incredibly healthy. Some of you are spending more quality time with your family than you have in previous years. If that is going to be the new “normal” then maybe we can start to find meaning in the mess.
How can you find meaning during COVID-19? I would encourage you to do a few things:
Pray for clarity from God - “God, if You had your way with my life and my response during COVID-19, what would it look like?”
Sit down and write a list of ideas and acts of kindness that you could do for your family, friends, and people in your community.
Have a dream session with your family! Involve your spouse or kids and do something with them to show love to someone. They are going through grief too. Give them a chance to find meaning as well.
As we start to see our economy begin to slowly open back up, we know that it will be a while before we know what our new “normal” will look like. Take the time today to process the last few weeks today and pray for God to give you perspective and clarity for what He might want to be doing in your life and through your life.
I am praying for rest today for all who read this blog. Many of you, including myself, are running on empty. I pray today that God would charge your batteries as you rest in Him.
May we find meaning in what we are experiencing. May our responses and acts of love and generosity towards others bring glory to God and help us to become more and more a reflection of Christ to the world around us.