Caring for a Grieving Friend
In 2019, our Chaplain team came alongside many team members who lost loved ones. Over eighty team members lost a parent during the course of this past year, fifteen experienced the death of a child, and ten team members dealt with the loss of a spouse. We thought we would dedicate an article with some suggestions for how to walk alongside a friend during a time of loss.
I knew I had to say something, but I didn't know what to say…
Years ago, a fellow pastor lost his daughter in a single vehicle accident. I was out of the country at the time and six months went by before our paths crossed. I remember saying something like, “I can only imagine how hard that must have been.” He responded sharply, “No, you can’t! You can’t even imagine! I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest!”
I realize now that anger is many times a part of grief, even when it’s not recognized as anger. I was speechless. I stood there wishing I’d not said anything. Later, and even now, I wonder what was behind the response. Grieving people can react in ways that surprise both themselves and all the rest of us when they are suffering in grief.
I know that silence is not always golden. But, what how do I know what to say or how to respond when someone I care about loses someone they love?
Keep in mind that grief is as individual as a fingerprint. We all grieve differently. Also, understand that the best way to deal with grief is to walk through it. We shouldn't expect to get over it; we have to go through it. Grief is not a physical sickness. If it were we could put it in a cast, have it surgically removed, or take a pill to get rid of it. But it is not a physical sickness, and it is hard, draining, yet necessary work.
How Can I Help My Friend at the Time of Death?
Reach out to him/her. If possible, show up in person. If not, give them a personal call.
Offer to help in tangible ways. Take food to the house, offer to mow the yard, clean the house, run errands, etc.
Don’t be afraid of their tears, and don’t try to plug their tears with your hanky. “Cry as much as you need to,” is good advice.
Attend the funeral, the visitation, or the memorial, if you can. Send a card, or make some other contact.
Put a reminder in your calendar to check back in. After about a week, everyone else’s life goes back to normal except those who are grieving. A simple, “Thinking about you” at the 30 day anniversary of their loved one’s passing can go a long ways to remind your friend that you care.
What Can I Say?
“I am so sorry for your loss,” usually works well to start with. Especially if said honestly and genuinely.
No words of any kind will magically take the pain away, so don’t try.
Sometimes a hug or a gentle touch are appropriate and can express more than words to some.
If you must share something, make that a memory of their lost loved one…not your own grief.
Mention the name of the lost loved one, if you know it.
Keep in mind that some need to “talk their grief to death” and might need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Others need to withdraw within themselves and “wrestle their grief to death.”
Some Things to Avoid
"I know just how you feel.”
Even though you might have suffered a very similar loss, very rarely is this statement helpful. Hold up a mirror for them. It’s their grief. Listen and be empathetic to where they are at in their story.
"It was God’s will”…“He/she is better off”…“He/she is in heaven now”… “Everything happens for a reason.”
There is a great difference between the bereaved person expressing those feelings and me saying that.
“At least he’s in heaven just in time for Christmas, he doesn’t have to suffer anymore, no broken hearts for him/her anymore.”
Don’t try to put a positive spin on it. The intent may be to soften the pain, but often it comes off as minimalizing or discrediting the loss.
What is the best way to show I care?
Listen.
Some people need to talk their grief to death, and many can use a sympathetic ear. There is a great difference between listening and hearing…we all need to feel “I have been heard.” Listen without judgment and without trying to “fix” the hurt or correct the wrong.
Be there.
Don’t wait until your coworker asks for help. Offer to help. Don’t be afraid of your own emotions. A tear can help lubricate things on the grief journey. When He stood with Mary and Martha outside the tomb of their brother Lazarus, “Jesus Wept.” We can too. Remember your friend on “special days.” Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Send a card, call, visit, offer support again. Let them know that you remember and that you care about them.
Be patient.
Grief can last longer than we think, longer than they expect, and longer than any of us want. Be aware of changes in the bereaved individual. Grief experiences change us. Recommend a support group, a book, a CD, or your Simmons Chaplain.
We Can Help too
Though we won’t try to take their grief away, we can make sure that our coworkers don’t have to do this grief thing alone. There are resources available, booklets, articles, CDs, videos, support groups available on our page, Good Grief. Let us know how we can help.