To Be Unclear Is To Be Unkind
The current blog series is focused on building stronger relationships. In the most recent article, we talked about the importance of forgiveness. This week, we will take a look at an area that impacts every single relationship you have at home and at work. This blog can be summed up with one thought:
“To be unclear is to be unkind.”
A few years back, I was asked to go through an exercise to determine what my personal values were. The question was posed, “Of all of the behaviors and values, what are your Top 5?” There were 40 options and all of them were good (integrity, trust, courage, compassion, etc). When I finished the exercise, in my Top 5 was “Clarity”. It struck me that Clarity kept rising to the top as I went through the process.
I thought about Clarity a lot following the workshop. What about the value of Clarity held such a high importance for me? I reached out to a few people and asked for book ideas on the topic, and was given two extraordinary books: Dare to Lead by Brene Brown, and The Advantage by Pat Lencioni. Here’s what I realized. The most trusting and healthy relationships I have in my life and my work, all operate with a high level of clarity and transparency. And the opposite is true as well. The relationships I struggled with the most, were ripe with ambiguity and distrust.
I think most of us value kindness in our relationships. What if we added clarity to the definition of kindness? I think you would find that investing in clarity will take your relationships to the next level of health and strength! I picked up a few tips in those two books, and I want to share them with you. I haven’t perfected this, but my relationships are getting healthier the more I focus on clarity.
Clarity Defined
Let’s start here: What is clarity anyways? When people talk about clarity, they often use words like: transparency, accuracy, understanding, simplicity, etc.
The definition of clarity is: “Freedom from obscurity or ambiguity; Free from darkness or cloudiness; the state of being clear or transparent to the eye.”
In The Advantage, Pat Lencioni states that there are Six Critical Questions every leader must be able to answer. Put another way, if you are leading a team, here are the questions that your team members are looking to you for direction on:
Why do we exist? (Clarity of Purpose)
How do we behave? (Clarity of Values)
What do we do? (Clarity of Mission)
How will we succeed? (Clarity of Strategy)
What is most important, right now? (Clarity of Priorities)
Who must do what? (Clarity of Responsibilities)
As a company, we have to continue to create clarity for our leaders and team members on the six questions. They are basic, yet critical. Once defined, they must be over-communicated and constantly reinforced in both word and action. If not, you can get a lot of hard-working, well-meaning people who want to win...with no clarity around where true north is.
“If you could get all the people in an organization rowing in the same direction, you could dominate any industry, in any market, against any competition, at any time.”
Why Unclear is Unkind
In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown talks about why being unclear is unkind. Sometimes, we do so out of ignorance. There are other times though, where we lead without clarity on purpose. Here are some unhealthy ways we deal with conflict and why is an act of unkindness:
Feeding people half-truths or “BS” to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.
Not getting clear with a colleague about expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering, is unkind.
Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.
It's easier than a tough conversation to say “Got it, on it” and run.
Do any of these sound familiar? Maybe you know someone who behaves this way. Is it possible that you do, too?
We throw the word “Love” around alot at Simmons. We even put it on our signs and billboards! But you and I both know that it’s one thing to say the words, but disconnected from action it can unravel everything. Kindness and love are synonymous.
Clarity and Intent
One of the things I’ve realized is that motives and intentions are not always super clear. I have decided to make two assumptions regarding clarity and intent:
Assume positive intent of others until there is evidence to the contrary. Be willing to ask for clarity and be direct.
Assume MY intentions and motives are unclear, and over-communicate the “Why” behind the “What”.
Most of the people you deal with are asking the question, “What’s behind this?” One way to drive clarity is to be upfront and honest with your motives.
I had someone I knew pretty well ask me out for coffee once. He set me up with appreciation and kind words, and then started in on his sales pitch (I bet you have a story like this too). He made me sit through an 11-minute video on his phone about the product he was selling. He had me cornered. Think trust took a hit? You better know it was. That was almost decade ago and it still irks me.
Be clear about your intentions and motives up front. Especially if it’s a hard conversation. Or, if trying to sell them something!
Clarity and Accountability
One of my visions for our culture is that there would rarely be a time when someone is blindsided when they are asked to no longer be part of this company or to have to move out of their role and into another. Let me say it a different way. I can picture a culture where we have such crystal-clear expectations for how we behave and the results that we will achieve, that any necessary ending or termination conversation would go something like this:
“I knew what the expectations were. You communicated clearly with me where I was falling short. You gave me a path and the resources to make the changes necessary. I chose not to take action. I realize that I can no longer be in this chair or on this team. You’re not firing me. I self-selected out of this role.”
OK, maybe not so many words, but you get the point right? So, what keeps us from leading this way? Well, there are a few things.
First, we are all prone to self-protect.
If we are in a culture where we are all just trying to survive, I have zero concern for anyone else by myself. Clarity is not even on the radar if there is fear and selfishness. I’m just trying to survive to fight another day!
Second, those conversations are just down-right uncomfortable.
Who wants to tell someone they are falling short or aren’t living up to expectations? It’s hard, it’s often emotional, and it can disrupt the “peace” (or at least what I think is peace).
Third, no one has ever modeled this for me.
Leading with clarity is such a rarity, that those that even make an ounce of effort seem like they have a superpower! Especially to those that are following them! Our excuse for not leading with clarity is often, “Well, no one has ever done that for me. Why should I do that for others.” If that’s you, that thinking really sucks and please stop. (I hope I wasn’t unclear).
I’ve had the benefit of being led by someone who leads with clarity. Russell Tooley has taught me the tool of “Aligning Boxes” and I’ll share it with you. I’ve had him literally draw the two boxes on the board and work through the process to find clarity on where we need to focus. It is an incredibly helpful tool to get to the root issue on a conflict or challenge.
Let me say this, if your boxes are ever perfectly aligned...well done and enjoy that moment. Much like relationships, physical health and trust, clarity is not static. What I mean is, you will never get to a place where you don’t have to keep driving clarity. If you are not putting effort into creating and reinforcing clarity, I promise you there is ambiguity within your team. When there’s ambiguity, people make decisions based on false assumptions, fear, or both. You will never get the results you want or build the relationships that lead to a strong culture as a leader. Here’s what I know to be true, as a leader you are always going to get a combination of two things: (1) What you create, and (2) What you allow.
Clarity is a Two-Way Street
As a leader, it is our responsibility to ensure and drive clarity on our teams. But clarity goes both ways. If you and your leader’s boxes are out of alignment, with humility and courage, ask for clarity. I believe asking for clarity is a way we live our Values of Take Responsibility and Be Curious.
Here’s how this conversation can begin:
“I feel that our boxes are out of alignment. I would like to get on the same page with you in regards to _________. Can you help me understand the gap?”
“When there is trust, conflict becomes nothing but the pursuit of truth, an attempt to find the best possible answer...Great teams do not hold back with one another. They are unafraid to air their dirty laundry. They admit their mistakes, their weaknesses, and their concerns without fear of reprisal.”
Clarity Leads to Stronger Relationships
One of the reasons why the topic of clarity is one of our focuses during this series on Building Stronger Relationships, is that clarity leads to transparency. Transparency leads to trust. Trust leads to healthy, stronger relationships.
What would happen if you took some of these same principles home with you today?
Are your boxes aligned with your spouse or partner? With your kids? With your parents? Your business partner in your side-hustle? Think about what causes the most tension outside of work. Let’s pick on the married folks and let’s just say it’s finances. (If that’s you, welcome to the club! It’s a HUGE club. We have jackets!) What if you ordered dinner in one night this week and led the conversation with, “I want our relationship to continue to get stronger. It seems like our boxes are out of alignment when it comes to our finances. Can you help me understand what your expectations, dreams and goals are? I’d like to share mine with you as well.” And then listen. As Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Once they are finished, respond with, “Thank you for sharing that. I think I understand a bit more of where you are coming from. If I got it right, it sounds like what’s most important to you is (A,B,C)...is there anything that I missed or misundestood?”
If they feel heard, take a minute and describe your box, “Let me be honest with what’s in my box. Here’s where I am coming from…(and be humble and transparent).”
Then ask the question: “So where is our gap? How do we get from where we are today, to where we want to end up?” In this story, it could be as simple as a budget where both are accountable to creating and living within each month. It may be a gap in goals for the future, so have a dream session together.
“The Bridge is Out”
Here’s what will deconstruct a relationship: Passivity. Some of you have zero conflict in your relationships. It may seem peaceful, but passivity in a relationship is a silent killer.
I had a couple come to me for counseling and said that they have never had a single argument in 22 years of marriage. I looked at them and said, “And how long have you struggled with lying?” (Usually those thoughts get caught by my internal filter, but not that time!) I know a lot of people who are married, but who don’t have a relationship.
It’s not just marriage though. The concept of “Clarity is Kindness” permeates into every relationship you have. If you know the bridge is out for someone, whether that is an addiction, performance issues, damaging behaviors, etc...and you say nothing - that is not love. Choosing to address the issue with courage, humility and kindness, most definitely is.
Next Steps to Clarity
I’m going to swing for the fences and say that 100% of you reading this already have that person in your mind, don't you? That person you have been totally avoiding, or at the very least, have spent a great deal of energy dodging the tension or conflict.
Here’s what I want you to do. Pray about it - for wisdom, discernment and courage. Ask that God would give you a heart (empathy) for the other person. Write out your thoughts. Have the conversation. Be direct, be compassionate, but be clear. Then follow-up and follow-through.
Your relationships will get stronger over time. Your leadership at work and home will be fertile ground where the people you have influence over can grow and thrive.
I’ll close this blog out with some wisdom from Andy Stanley and a great set of principles that will lead to clarity, healthy conflict, and stronger relationships:
“To ensure that we are leading with our feet firmly planted on the soil of what is, we must live by the seven commandments of current reality:
Thou shalt not pretend.
Thou shalt not turn a blind eye.
Thou shalt not exaggerate.
Thou shalt not shoot the bearer of bad news.
Thou shalt not hide behind the numbers.
Thou shalt not ignore constructive criticism.
Thou shalt not isolate thyself.
Attempting to lead while turning a blind eye to reality is like treading water: It can only go on for so long, eventually you will sink. As a next generation leader, be willing to face the truth regardless of how painful it might be. And if you don’t like what you see, change it.”
― Andy Stanley, Next Generation Leader
