Are You Listening to Me?
There has been an increase of people reaching out to our Chaplain team for conflict resolution and communication issues - both at home and at work. One of the key ways that we build heathy relationships is through our ability to listen. For most - this is not a strength. But for all - it’s something we desire when we are the one who is talking.
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
We desire to be heard. We want to be understood. But when it comes to the act of listening, oftentimes we treat others the way we’ve been treated: distracted, inattentive, often sending plenty of non-verbal cues that we would much rather be somewhere else…anywhere else.
Have you ever had a child climb up into your lap, take your face in their little hands, look straight into your eyes, and then ask the same question AGAIN that you’ve been ignoring? One of the best gifts we can give those that we care about is simply listening. You might think that some are better at listening than others, but it is probably like a lot of other skills…the more you practice, the better you do it.
We can all CHOOSE to be better listeners. Here is a list of listening skills that might be helpful for you to activate this week.
Tips for Effective Listening
1. STOP TALKING
You cannot listen and talk at the same time.
2. PUT THE SPEAKER AT EASE
Help the speaker feel that he/she is free to say anything they need to say. This is often called “creating a supportive environment.”
3. SHOW THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR
Look and act interested. Don’t glance at the television, cell phone, watch, or another person. Look into the person’s eyes.
4. REMOVE DISTRACTIONS
Would it be quieter with the door closed or the television turned off? Taking your phone and putting it in a drawer or in another room sends a huge signal that you are fully attentive.
5. BE AT EYE LEVEL
If the person is seated, situate yourself to be as close to their eye level as possible. This might mean moving furniture or sitting on the arm of a couch or desk. Whatever it takes, with very few exceptions, do not stand over the speaker.
6. EMPATHIZE WITH THE PERSON
Try to put yourself in his/her world, without saying, “I know just how you feel.” Listen to understand rather than to cheer up or correct. Don’t trivialize.
7. BE PATIENT
Don’t rush them. Allow plenty of time. Allow the speaker to find his/her own words. Don’t interrupt.
8. ASK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
“Can you tell me more about that?” “Can you help me understand ___________ a bit more?”
9. LISTEN FOR THE MESSAGE
Ask yourself, “What are they wanting me to know?” If it is unclear, ask them.
10. REFLECT THE FEELINGS AND MESSAGE
Use the same language and words that they use. This will let the speaker know you understand and care. If they express that they are frustrated about a recent change “What I think I hear you saying is that the recent changes have been frustrating. Am I tracking with you so far?”
11. LISTEN ATTENTIVELY
Do not formulate your answer as the person is speaking. Sometimes one does not even need an answer, they just need to be heard. Listen to understand.
12. BE AWARE
Note your own mental, physical and psychological state. What is going on within you? What are you reacting to? Are you offended? Why?
13. RELAX
Be yourself. Especially in conflict, make an attempt to have the lowest heart rate in the room.
14. STOP TALKING
This is worth repeating. Every other tip depends on it.
“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.
”
Look for opportunities to listen well this week.
A prayer for today…
Lord, help me listen to what You have to say to me this week. Help me listen to what my family, fellow team members and friends need for me to hear. May the way I listen this week be an act of love for those you have intentionally placed in my life. Amen.