The Empty Chair
I want to start by expressing gratitude for your prayers and notes the last few weeks after my brother, Tyler, passed away. While I prefer being on the other side of this support as the one giving it, it has been humbling and uplifting to receive your love and care. I cannot thank my Simmons family enough for the ways you have loved on my family. Your compassion and generosity have helped carry us through one of the hardest seasons of our lives.
Full disclosure, I’m a teacher at heart. My tendency is to try to take what I’m going through and make it a “teachable moment”. I’m not going to do that today. I don’t have 3 points or a lesson. What I will do is give you a glimpse into what life is like right now as we process loss and grief.
This past month has been a whirlwind of emotions. Deep sadness, anger, guilt, joy – all mixed up in a confusing, tangled ball of grief. I don’t know how anyone could go through this without hope in Christ. I’ve experienced a depth of pain I didn’t know was possible. Even through the hurt, I’ve experienced peace that I can’t describe. The circumstances certainly did not call for peace, and yet I’ve found it in Christ.
We’ve started to experience some of the many “firsts” that follow a loss, which can be so hard.
We had planned for months to all go to a St. Louis Cardinals game last Saturday. My entire family has been Cardinals fans for generations, and they happened to be playing the Chicago Cubs that day. We were all excited about the game and our time together, but we all knew there would be an empty chair.
I tried to prepare myself for it, but it got ahold of me pretty quickly. I just couldn’t believe that Tyler was really gone.
The first inning started about as well as you could hope. The Cardinals pounced on the Cubs, scoring 9 runs in the bottom of the 1st inning (As my Grandma says, “It couldn’t happen to a better team”). The crowd was going nuts. I had tears rolling down my eyes. I think we all did. I experienced joy in that moment, followed by an extreme sadness and heaviness. I looked at that empty chair again in disbelief.
So that’s where we are at. Yesterday was the one month mark. Honestly, it snuck up on us and made for a pretty tough day. The grief comes in waves. I put everything in a box the day before Tyler’s funeral because I wanted so badly to stand up and share part of his story. And I’m glad I did. Two weeks later, I realized I hadn’t touched that box again. To be honest, I knew what was in that box and it hurt deeply. I also knew, that if I didn’t deal with it, grief compounds and grows tentacles.
So, I’m taking the advice I would give someone else (dang it)...and finding space to open that box and continue to process through the mess of grief. I don’t believe you have to keep the grief box open all the time, constantly. I’m finding alot of grace as I go back and forth, sometimes opening that box and processing some, and other times closing the box and doing things that bring joy and rest for my soul.
What has been healing has been finding people I trust to talk through things and telling stories about Tyler, talking to a counselor has been extremely helpful, coming back to Simmons and being with my people, going back to church - all of this has been life-giving. Hard and healing.
We continue to place our hope and trust in God. Praying for peace, even though there are missing pieces. Processing what life looks like now knowing that there will be an empty chair. Seeking the Lord, His grace and wisdom to hold tightly to what we know is true.
There have been a few Scriptures that have taken new life and meaning for my family the past few weeks. I’ll close this by sharing a few with you:
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” - Lamentations 3:22-26 (NIV)
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT)
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” - James 1:2-4 (NLT)