Grieving Through the Holidays

Holidays are supposed to be such happy times. This year, partly because of the virus, and for many because of loss… it is not looking to be such a happy time. I might have already lost some of you by using grieving and holidays in the same title. Others might be holding on to a thread of hope that you might just find some small nugget of hope by reading this. I warn you, there is no magic bullet, no easy solution, but keep reading and maybe we can find some comfort together.

Before I go any further let me suggest that you click on this link to the article “Thinking Ahead: Ways to Avoid a Thanksgiving ‘Downer’” for an interesting article by Dr. Paul White.

Here are some of my suggestions. 

Make a Plan

A friend has a cliché that goes like this, “If we fail to plan we are planning to fail.” (I just recently realized that my friend borrowed that quote from Winston Churchill). You know that holidays are going to be hard, so decide how you are going to deal with the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years holidays. Sometimes that means having a family meeting to decide where, how, when, and even if you are going to have the traditional holiday celebration. It is okay to add the corona virus issue to your planning time. There is nothing wrong with traditions, but there is nothing wrong with changing or suspending traditions. 

Consider Others

You need them in your life, even if for now their advice is wrong for you. Children learn by watching the adults in their lives. Children are resilient as well as sensitive to the feelings of the adults in their lives. Yes, they will grieve. Yes, they might have questions that we cannot answer. Be considerate and give them space. Above all, keep the line of communication open with them.

If It Hurts Too Much, Don’t Do It

If it is so painful that you cannot think about it without reacting, then leave it alone for a time. Be gentle to yourself and remember, if you are not up to it this year, next year might be different. Don’t force yourself. You will know when the time is right.

Expect the waves

Grief comes in waves. Some waves come with the tide and are as predictable as the rising of the sun and moon. Others sneak up and catch us unaware. Just as we think, “I can handle this…I’m doing so much better,” a Tidal Wave tries to drown us in our own tears. There may be waves of guilt that threaten. Waves of anger are also common. Rip tides are other waves that are known to those who swim in the ocean. These are currents that tend to take us out past the point of no return. When even the strongest swimmer tries to swim hard enough to overcome them, they tire to the point of exhaustion. They say that the key to surviving a rip tide is to swim parallel to the shore…not even try to swim toward dry land. Just relax and “go with it” instead of trying to fight it. Grief can be that way, the more we fight the worse it gets. If we can just relax and go with it grief seems to go better.

Use Your Higher Power

Our friends at Alcoholics Anonymous make use of the term Higher Power. I understand that Higher Power to be God. Others look at it in the sense of the spiritual aspect of our lives. However you use the term Higher Power, my desire for you is that you be at peace with your Higher Power. I have heard some say that while they were grieving they felt much closer to God. Some have even wondered out loud how anyone could “go through this” without a strong faith system and belief in God.

I have also heard others say that they have questioned their faith in God during a time of grief more than they ever thought possible. I do not get offended when grieving people get angry at God. God can take our anger without getting angry at us. One writer said, “It’s hard to have a relationship with someone that you can’t get mad at.” Anger is usually part of grief and needs to be expressed in order to be alleviated. You can’t really just be angry; you need to be angry “at” someone or something. I’m pretty sure that God is more okay with us getting mad at Him than getting mad at another human being who is not at all responsible for the loss.

Nor am I surprised when I hear some say that they are not sure if they still believe in God. God still believes in us. I have come to realize that when we grieve our emotions get so tangled that we have a very hard time sorting any emotions out. I think that faith and emotions are linked closely together for us. What I am encouraging you to do now is to Use Your Higher Power, and don’t abandon your faith altogether or forever. Many times it takes some time to “get back in the saddle” after grief has put you on your knees. Eventually, the hope is that you will want to get back on that horse. So please don’t burn any bridges behind you. 

You shouldn’t always hurt like you hurt now. Future holiday experiences should not be as painful as this one is. However, sometimes we get stuck in our grief. Grief counselors might use the term Complicated Grief for getting stuck in our grief. Whatever you call it, you don’t have to stay there. There is hope, and there is help available. If you feel like you are stuck in your grief, please reach out to someone. If it has been more than a couple of years and your grief is still as fresh and raw or worse than it was that day…you don’t have to stay there. You don’t deserve that, and you don’t have to stay there. 

Chaplain Larry Hendren | larry.hendren@simfoods.com